hey, me too.
2.18.17
The day of my first episode will haunt me forever. It happened while I was driving down I-44 before the start of our second year. All of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. I was scared, nervous, angry, crazed. Immediately the medical professional in me tried to identify the cause. Dehydration was what I decided on, so I went to the ER and was sent home after a few hours of fluids. But the feeling didn’t go away.
I eventually realized that this was the first of many anxiety attacks. I would have them like six times a day. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and just feel this sense of impending doom. You feel like the world is going to end. I wouldn’t eat, cried every hour, screamed at people I cared about, and hated myself for becoming a monster I couldn’t control.
I don’t usually tell people about this time in my life. Even my sisters don’t know that much about it. I feel like there’s this weakness inside that I don’t want people to know about. I want to come off as someone who has it all together. But I know it’s not like that. For anyone. So I’m talking about it now because I know everyone’s dealing with their own struggles. And I want to say, hey, me too. Now, how do we move forward?
When I reflect on my time in PT school, I see a quirky girl who was really fun and bubbly first semester, but really lost her way in the middle. She spent too much time comparing herself to others, didn’t stay true to her values, struggled with body image, didn’t treat herself with love. But in the end, that quirky girl really came to know who she is and what she stood for. She really came to love herself. I have that light again that I did at the start of PT school.
And I’m so happy that I found it. For a while, I didn’t think I would. But it really is about having self-love, and taking care of yourself. No one’s going to do it for you. You have to do it for yourself.
Kelsey Pauley
Class of 2019